A Very Serious Nerf War
by Dawnstorm101
Summary: Back in 2012, with everyone living in the Tower, the Avengers engage in a Nerf war. The first one to get shot by the other four wins. The loser then makes an embarrassing video for a good cause.


A/N: I had a blast writing this. 2012 Avengers after the trauma of the Endgame trailer? Therapeutic.

* * *

Tony closed his eyes, taking a steadying breath. He crouched behind the couch, readjusting his grip on his gun, listening to the quiet footsteps creep ever closer to his position. _How did it come to this?_ he wondered. _Me versus trained killers. I was a mechanic once._

 _Relax, Tony. You've got this._

 _For Pepper's sanity._

He surged to his feet, whirling around with a battle cry. Swinging his gun up, he fired a single shot.

The orange foam dart bounced off of Natasha's forehead.

 _Crap._

 _I just shot Black Widow._

Natasha blinked slowly, touching the spot he had shot. Not lowering her Nerf gun.

Tony took the chance to run.

He raced from that floor's living room, wondering where the hell was safe from Natasha. She would know every nook and cranny in the entire tower by heart, and they weren't allowed to leave. Technically, he could go to his lab – they had all been allowed a safe room in which to hide for 15 minutes after shooting her – but it would be all too easy for her to lie in wait outside.

 _The kitchen. If I can find some Styrofoam plates, strap them to my arm as shields…_

They weren't allowed to use their superhero equipment, but Styrofoam – that he could work with.

He made it to the stairs, starting the race down twenty flights of steps.

He'd made it down two when a dart hit the wall beside him.

Tony froze, looking up. Natasha stood there, aiming straight for him. He bolted again, narrowly dodging a second dart, and she ran after him, pausing only to pick up her fallen ammo.

 _I should've done that._

"You can't escape, Tony!"

"Watch me!"

Tony ditched the staircase on Thor's floor instead – the guy always had plates lying around, still getting used to the lack of servants cleaning up after him. And duct tape fascinated him.

He slammed the staircase door shut behind him and locked it, knowing it'd take even Natasha a minute to hack the passcode. He headed for Thor's kitchen, finding a pile of Styrofoam plates on the table as expected, each one covered in Pop-Tart crumbs. He scooped them up and carried them to Thor's bedroom, locking that door behind him too, and found rolls of duct tape on the dresser.

He worked quickly, taping a row of plates to both sleeves of his hoodie. Just as he finished up the last one, Natasha finally hacked through the bedroom door, flinging it open and aiming at Tony.

He flung up his shield arm, aiming at her. "It doesn't have to go this way, Nat."

"You look ridiculous, Stark."

"You know what's not ridiculous? Safety."

Natasha arched an eyebrow. "Your Styrofoam plates can't save you now."

Tony narrowed his eyes. _Why isn't she shooting?_

He heard it too late. The creak of hinges. Coming from the ceiling.

A dart hit him square in the back.

He spun around to see Clint hanging down from the vent, smirking. The archer swung back up, shutting the grate behind him, crawling away. Tony threw his hands up. "Seriously, Clint?" he yelled after him.

The only response was a second dart hitting him square in the back.

When he turned again, Natasha was already gone.

" _Damn it_!"

-MCU-

Natasha fled the room the moment she shot Tony, not that it mattered. She touched her forehead. _I cannot_ believe _he caught me like that. I should've clocked someone behind the couch._

 _Though I suppose I can't complain, if the spy lessons are paying off for him._

She roamed the tower, finger on the trigger, wary of every noise. Tony was no longer a threat, and Clint had agreed to team up with her, but that left Steve and Thor. Neither man looked especially sneaky at first glance, but when it came down to it, they had learned from Peggy and Loki, a skilled agent and the God of Mischief.

In times like this, with what dignity the men had left at stake, they knew how to sneak around.

"Hey, Nat."

Natasha spun, nearly firing on instinct. Then she straightened, lowering her gun. "I could've shot you, Bruce."

Bruce popped a Dorito into his mouth. "Could've. Didn't."

"You're awfully cavalier for someone who opted out on account of Hulk."

He shrugged. "Jarvis is keeping track of everyone for me."

"Everyone?" Natasha asked, trying to keep her piqued interest hidden.

Bruce smiled knowingly. "Jarvis, you up for a little backstabbing?"

 _"Always, Doctor Banner."_

"I can't ask," Natasha reminded him.

Bruce nodded. "Who are you looking for?"

"Steve and Thor."

"Jarvis, please tell me the location of the closest Avenger between Steve and Thor."

 _"Thor is on the party deck, Doctor Banner."_

"Thank you, Jarvis."

Natasha smiled, heading for the stairs. About halfway up, she heard a voice from the vents. "You got a location, Nat?"

"Party deck. Thor."

"Copy."

She kept climbing, ducking below the door's window when she reached the correct floor. She peered carefully through it, scanning the wide open, empty space. This floor, furnished only for the public parties Tony scheduled, didn't make sense as a hiding spot. Unless…

It connected to the flight deck. Which, for the one team member who could easily leap to another floor from there even without his equipment, did make perfect sense.

She eased the door open, slipping back against the wall, following it closely, staying low. She heard a faint scuffling above her, signaling Clint's arrival, and when he tapped once to signal he could see her, she pointed towards the flight deck. He tapped twice to acknowledge her, the scuffling resuming as he moved.

Natasha made it to a window, peeking through it. Sure enough, hiding behind the quinjet, she could just see Thor.

Clint tapped four times. _No shot._

Natasha nodded. _It's up to me to get him into the open._

It was risky. But, safe in the vents, Clint wouldn't get tagged, and so long as there was no risk of him losing, he had promised not to tag her. So, theoretically, she could risk getting tagged by Thor in order to draw him into both her and Clint's line of fire.

Didn't mean she had to like it.

Taking a deep breath, Natasha flung the door open and bolted across the open ground.

The sound of fired darts followed her to the other side of the quinjet. Three darts, to be exact. Assuming he hadn't fired at anyone else, that meant seven left in the clip, and ten spares. She heard his footsteps as he moved, and she paused a second, determining which direction he was headed, and then she quickly moved the opposite way.

"We can go in circles forever, Natasha," he called. "Just come out now, and then I won't be your problem anymore."

Reaching the nose of the quinjet, Natasha ducked down, peering below it to see where he was – just rounding the nose. Any second now…

He jumped. "Hey! Who shot me?"

Natasha raced to the door. As she passed Thor, still looking back at the tower for the shooter, she shot him pointblank. He yelped, and this time she didn't pause to recover the spent ammunition, simply hurrying for shelter. She hauled the door open.

Too late.

A dart grazed her shoulder, just enough for Thor to let out a cry of triumph.

-MCU-

Thor picked up his used darts, reloading his weapon while keeping a wary eye on the building. Just before Natasha shot him, he had seen a vent swinging shut – Clint, no doubt. He was known for crawling through them at all hours.

Oh well. This spot was no longer safe.

Backing up to the edge of the flight deck, he took a running leap onto the tower's roof. He landed easily and headed inside, holding his weapon in front of him. The penthouse seemed empty, but its elaborate furnishings provided ample opportunities to hide. So Thor moved warily, sticking as near to the edge as he could.

Movement caught his eye.

He ducked just in time, narrowly avoiding a dart that sailed over his head.

He dropped to all fours, crawling to the edge of the couch and peering around it. Across the room, peeking warily above his own couch, was Tony. Their eyes met, and both retreated quickly.

"So, Thor," Tony called. "How you doing, buddy?"

"Your battle banter shall not distract me today, Tony."

"What, I'm not allowed to ask how my friend is doing? I mean, that's the whole point of this Nerf war, isn't it, for us all to bond more?"

Thor chuckled. "We bond over drinks afterwards. And the humiliation of the loser."

"Come on, you can't tell me you Asgardians never enjoy some good mid-battle banter."

"With our allies, yes. Today, you are no ally."

"Thor! You wound me."

"That is the point, is it not?"

A moment passed.

They surged upwards at the same time, firing simultaneously.

Thor's dart hit Tony in the stomach.

Just as Tony's dart hit Thor in the chest.

"Damn it," Tony muttered, bending to pick up the dart. "You know, today started really well when I shot Nat."

Thor arched an eyebrow. "You successfully shot Natasha?"

"Don't sound so surprised," Tony said drily. "Yes, I did. Might've even been the first hit of the day."

 _"It was indeed, sir,"_ Jarvis confirmed.

Tony pointed up. "See? I got skills!"

Thor furrowed his brows, noticing something. "Are those my plates?"

Tony sighed. "Look, you shoot the world's deadliest assassin, you need some sort of protection. Your dirty plates were my best option. Fat lot of good they did against Clint," he added bitterly.

"They teamed up against you as well?"

Tony nodded. "I don't suppose you got Clint?"

Thor shook his head. "He was hiding in the vent. But I clipped Natasha."

"So you, me, and Nat are even," Tony murmured. "Meaning it's safe for the two of us to go after Clint."

"The two of us?"

Tony held out his hand. "What do you say, Thor? Allies?"

Thor grinned, clasping his hand. "Allies."

-MCU-

Clint retreated from the flight deck, crawling through the vents until he reached his room. He paused, listening for movement, before poking his head out and checking for intruders. Only when he was certain it was safe did he drop to the ground, stretching. The vents were brilliant for scaring the crap out of Tony, not so much for comfort.

The door opened and he spun, only to find Nat with her hands up. "Don't scare me like that, Nat."

"I thought Hawkeye didn't get scared," she teased, closing and locking the door behind her. "Besides, why are you out of the vents?"

"I needed to stretch," Clint muttered. "Have you seen Steve?"

"Nope."

Clint practically jumped out of his skin. "Son of a- Bruce! Don't _do_ that!"

"Are you still eating Doritos?"

Bruce shrugged, settling on the edge of Clint's bed. "Maybe. I'm hungry."

"What are you doing here?" Clint asked.

"Checking on how you guys are doing. Who's winning?"

"I am," Clint said proudly.

Bruce arched an eyebrow, looking at Nat. "He can't be serious."

Nat sighed. "I've taken the same amount of hits as Tony and Thor. Sadly, he's right."

"Well, what about Steve? How many hits has he taken?"

"None, as far as we know," Nat said, crossing her arms. "We haven't tracked him down yet. I don't suppose you could…?"

"Nope. That was a one-time-per-team-up deal, I'm afraid."

"Damn."

The door burst open. Thor and Tony swept in, guns up and ready to fire.

Clint dove for his bed, hitting the ground on the other side. His gun meant nothing to those two. When he peeked over his bed, Nat had slid into a protective position, gun held up for the show of it as she faced down Tony and Thor. Bruce had stepped behind the two men.

"Really, Bruce?" Clint complained. "Did you sell us out?"

"Science Bros for life," Tony said, smirking. "Thanks for distracting them, Bruce."

Clint glanced up, but the nearest vent entrance was on the other side of the room. He would never make it without getting shot.

"Stand aside, Natasha," Thor requested. "Our quarrel is not with you."

"He's more of a threat than a help to you now," Tony added. "You have your back to the only person in this room who can shoot you."

"Don't do it, Nat," Clint pleaded. "You know I won't shoot you if I stand a chance of winning."

"There are two of us," Thor pointed out. "It's a simple matter of teamwork to distract you long enough for us both to shoot Clint."

"Nat," Clint pressed, even knowing he'd lost. "Come on, Nat, it's me! You'd betray me for them?"

Nat paused for a moment, considering.

Then she took a step to the side and turned her gun on Clint.

"Ok, ok, whoa, whoa!" Clint said quickly before anyone could shoot. "Who do we really want to embarrass here, guys? The archer nobody knows, or the supersoldier _everybody_ knows?"

Tony narrowed his eyes. "Go on."

"I'm just saying, embarrassing Captain America in front of the world would be far funnier than embarrassing Hawkeye. Just think of all the- what do the kids call them- memes! Think of all of the memes from embarrassing _Captain America_."

"Damn it, the man has a point," Tony muttered.

"He does," Thor agreed grudgingly.

"One problem: Where _is_ Steve?"

Everyone turned to Bruce.

-MCU-

Steve watched Thor leave, letting his smile grow. It had been a long wait, still and quiet and wedged between the wall and the pilot's seat, but hiding in the quinjet had worked liked a charm. No one had attacked him, and he had been able to determine that Natasha and Clint had teamed up, with Natasha and Thor both taking a hit, and he guessed that the assassin duo had already pegged Tony inside before finding Thor outside.

Meaning he wouldn't have to wait for too long. After they had finished chasing down each other, they would team up, and eventually realize there was only one place he could be. And with the quinjet's supplies set up as a barrier and only one way to get to him, Steve would be able to pick them all off before they got to him.

He didn't know who he would shoot first. Hopefully Tony, but Clint or Thor would also be fun.

He moved to his secondary spot, settling behind the barrier, still hiding from the windows.

He waited.

And waited.

And waited.

When the sun had set and they still hadn't found him, he started to wonder. Were they still hunting for each other? Looking for him? Or waiting to ambush him?

The third option seemed most likely – between the four of them, they would've figured out that the tower was empty of one Captain America. So if he left the quinjet now, he might as well be throwing away the game. But his stomach was growling, with food being the one thing he hadn't had time to plan for.

 _Suddenly, Rogers, this plan of yours seems ludicrous._

Still, there was a chance, a slim chance that they were still separated, and there was a way he made it to the kitchen.

It was a chance he would have to take.

Carefully, he opened the quinjet's doors, aiming outside. Seeing no one, he crept forward, peering around the craft. Still alone, he crossed the empty flight deck, looking through the windows before heading inside. Still no one.

He made it to the stairs, pausing before passing by each door. Then to the kitchen, where, looking through the door, he saw a plate of Doritos, untended and waiting. Which wasn't at all suspicious, considering Tony had been comparing him to a Dorito since day one.

Movement startled him, but it was just Bruce, science notebook in hand as he absently plucked a Dorito from the plate.

Steve let out a sigh of relief – if Bruce was in there, then surely the others would be elsewhere.

He went inside.

Immediately, a barrage of darts hit him from all sides. Natasha, Clint, Thor, and Tony popped out of their hiding places, all four grinning. Thor and Tony mimed high-fiving each other across the room.

" _Yes_!" Clint exclaimed, punching the air. "I win!"

Steve sighed, hanging his head. "And I lose, don't I?"

"Yup," Natasha confirmed, coming over to give him a consoling pat on the shoulder. "Nice strategy, though, using the quinjet like that."

"For all the good it did me. All right, what video am I making?"

Tony's face lit up with possibilities.

-MCU-

Tony plucked a Dorito from the bowl, settling beside the others and watching Steve, standing in front of a greenscreen in his uniform. He was studying his lines while a young makeup artist prepared him for the camera.

"God, I can't wait to see how awkward these are," Clint said gleefully. "You know they want him to make more than one?"

Thor chuckled. "I hope he agrees to the entire series."

"And that they'll use these videos for many, many, _many_ years to come."

Natasha shook her head. "You guys are having way too much fun with this."

"Come on, Nat," Tony said, "you can't tell me you're not looking forward to this."

She said nothing, but the corner of her lip quirking up was all the answer Tony needed.

"All right!" the director called. The makeup artist hurried to put on one last touch, then scurried off-camera as Steve tucked his script into a pocket. "Let's go! Three… two… one… Action!"

And then, just as Tony had dictated, Steve dramatically put his hands on his hips and said, "So. Your body's changing. Believe me, I know how that feels."

The team burst out laughing, so hard that Clint cried and Thor and Tony fell off their chairs.

Steve sighed.


End file.
